findingways | IC Inbox for Kaisou

[ So adding attempted murder and escaping from prison to the list. Cool, noted, all right.

Moana takes a breath, running everything through her head. Just give her a minute, Varian. ]

How'd you break out?

[Cool cool, it's a great list. He gives her time to process that, he's aware it's an awful lot to process all at once. ]

Andrew.

[He says the name like it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. ]

He was my cellmate. He was part of a...group of people who wanted to change how things were run. [A terrorist, he was a terrorist.] He convinced me to join them, we broke out and one of his people used magic on the king and queen to wipe their memories. I...stepped in and pretended I was their advisor. Had them collecting these minerals in mines I needed to try and make the memory magic into a gas. I wanted everyone to lose their memories. To forget what I did.

[He fidgets with his hands, trying to ignore the bile rising in his throat.]

It was stupid. I was stupid. Luckily, Rapunzel came back from a trip away. Her showing up made them show their true hand. That...that they were planning on using my alchemy to raze the kingdom to the ground. They were gonna kill everyone and I...I couldn't do that.

[ So it sounded like there was some manipulation there at least, but it still didn't paint the greatest picture. She is a bit relieved to hear that he did draw a line there, though. ]

So what'd you do?

[There truly was, even if Varian struggles to see it. His self-loathing is pretty strong, and it makes it hard for him to really realise how much Andrew pulled his strings to have him exactly how he wanted him. ]

I helped Rapunzel. I um- we got onto the airship he was gonna drop the chemical from and fought him. He tried to kill me but didn't manage it...obviously. But in the fight he destroyed the ropes holding the airship up, there were only a few left and not enough to keep it afloat. If it crashed, it would have exploded and killed everyone.

[He hugs an arm around himself, letting out a slow breath. This never goes well. ]

I tried to stay behind. I could've used the chemicals to get the ship high enough so it wouldn't hurt anyone when it exploded. [Except for him.] I-I it was the best option. I didn't have anyone left who would have missed me and I just- I just wanted to fix something.

[Even if fixing it meant him dying. He shrugs.]

Rapunzel wouldn't let me. She got me out of there and got the ship away- survived the blast herself. After everything had calmed down, she used this new ability she found to get my dad back. He was...fine. [He plucks some imaginary lint off his arm, expression still sad.] I've spent all the rest of my time trying to do good for the kingdom. To-to put good in the world to try and balance out all the bad I put into it.

[ She picks up pretty quickly what would have happened to him if he had stayed on the airship, and the fact that he was willing to do it makes her heart hurt. Hesitating just a moment, she then places a gentle hand on his arm. ]

...Good. I'm glad...I'm glad that Rapunzel was able to get you out of there. I'm glad that you're alive.

[ Even though she's still trying to get her head around everything else he's told her, she wants him to just know that. ]

[He doesn't pull away from her touch, and manages a small, thin-lipped smile. It's never an especially fun story to tell and he knows that it's not an easy one to listen to, either. But he's glad he's lanced that particular wound. Moana deserved to know. ]

Thanks. Most of the time, I am too.

[Some days, the darker days, he isn't- but at least those are fewer than they used to be. ]

[ She returns with a smile of her own, as reassuring a one as she can manage as she gently squeezes his arm. ]

And I appreciate you telling me all this. I know it can't be easy for you, and I'm glad to know that you trust me enough with it.

Of course. I do trust you with it. I um...thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

[It's a big thing, for him to trust someone enough with this part of himself. No one has turned him away yet, but there's always a part of him that worries about it, all the same. ]

And no...it's- it's really not easy. I don't know. It's- it's just hard to talk about. Admitting the sort of person I was.

[ With a smile, she nods. ] Of course. I promised to be here for you, and I meant it.

And honestly, it really says a lot that you're able to talk about this in the first place. It's not easy for people to admit their mistakes in general, let alone something as big as all this. But that you still want to be honest even in the face of all that is really brave.

It's still...well, it's a lot for someone to deal with. It's uh- it's not exactly a regular friendship problem.

[Most friendship problems their age centre around being unable to do homework or who to take to some party, he's pretty sure. He hums softly, not convinced. ]

I never have to think about it back home. Everyone knows already, you-you can't really...commit high treason and try to murder the entire royal family and it not be common knowledge, y'know? But people don't know here, and it means I get away with not being That Guy Who Did That here...

[He shrugs.]

I dunno if it's...it's bravery telling people about it or cowardice that I keep it hidden in the first place.

Yeah, I guess that is true. [ It really is a lot, and she doesn't want to trivialize any of it by acting like it's no big deal.

Still, she can't help shaking her head a little. ] It's not cowardice. You're a different person now, and what happened back then was in a whole different world. Those events doesn't affect anything in this world, so there isn't really a need for other people to know. But you make the choice to tell people, and that's a really big thing.

[You're a different person now. That means more to him than she might realise. He rubs his arm absently with his arm, his tail twitching with leftover anxiety.]

I- I guess you're right. I'm just not used to doing it and sometimes...I dunno. It feels like I'm hiding it from people when they don't already know. I guess a part of me was worried people wouldn't want anything to do with me if they knew the truth about who I was.

[ She's quiet for a moment as she thinks. As easy as it would be to reassure him that that wouldn't be the case, she knows that might not be true and it would feel disingenuous. ]

...Unfortunately, there's always that possibility. There could be some people that might not be able to get past some of your history. [ Looking back at him, she offers him a smile. ] But there are still others who are more than happy to give you a chance, and stick with you through everything. Ad it can be hard, but they're always worth finding.

[He's so very glad she didn't reassure him completely. It would be too big a lie to swallow, even if it had been meant in good faith. He's been lucky, he knows that much- both here and back home- he's found wells of forgiveness. But he knows that doesn't mean he'll find it always. ]

Yeah, they are. It's- I'm really lucky to have people like that in my life. [He offers her a smile in return.] Thanks, Moana. It really means a lot.

[ There will definitely be times that people might turn him away for his past. But even more that she's here for him, to give him support for those times so he can keep going forward. ]

Of course. Anytime you wanna talk, or just hang out or anything, you know how to reach me.

Thanks, I know that. I'll contact you if I need you. [He doesn't promise because he tends not to do that unless he's sure, but he absolutely will!]

IC Inbox for Kaisou

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tw: sucicidal intention

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